Anger!!!

I am going thru what my sister is calling the Grief Cycle.  Whatever!  it sucks.

I guess mom is also.  When she found out she had to go back to the nursing home, she was so angry.  I understood that.  She wants to be home. Now she is sad.  I understand that also. We put her into bed at night and she just looks so sad and she tells us how she just wants in her own bed, in her own home, with us.  I know she is so lonely there.  I'm lonely with her there and I didn't even live with her.  I just imagine what my sister is going thru.

I just want to crawl into bed next to my mother and hold her and tell her it will be OK.  That she will get better and come home.  But I know that isn't going to happen and it makes me very angry.  I was sad and crying on my way to get her from the hospital the other day.  For some reason I felt like she would be gone when I got there.  A dark feeling of dread just swept over me.  She was there and still the same.  No better, no worse. 

Now, today,  I am angry.  So angry I want to scream!  Punch walls!  Hurt someone!  Make someone hurt like I hurt.

Strange, but as I sit here talking about my anger, I cry.  I cry for me.  I am so lonely without her and she isn't even gone. I should be crying for her.  She is the one dying.  She is the one with the disease.  Its not fair of me to be like this is it?

I pray none of you ever have to go thru this within your families.  But no matter how hard I pray I know its for nothing because we all die.  And some day your loved ones will, just as mine have, are and will do in the future. Maybe I should just pray that you don't hurt as much.  But less hurt over the loss of a loved one would mean less love. That's something I cant ask for less of.

Well... lets wipe the tears away and think about tomorrow.  I will go see her again...put on the happy face...try to make her smile and just soak up all of my mom as I can.  

Sorry for the rambling....  I'm just lost...
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