September 29, 2011

I’ve been staying up at the nursing home with mom more and more.  She is so week and fragile anymore.   Right now we are worried that she won’t be able to make it to her next Dr. appointment.  They want to give her a cat scan to see if the cancer drugs are working to shrink the tumor.  The problem is – she is so week I don’t believe she could get up on the table for the test.  We are not even sure if she could get into the car to get out to the office. 

At the meeting today at the nursing home we had her sign the power of attorney forms and sign her car over to my sister.  We now have medical, financial, and any other powers that we need to make decisions for her if needed.  My sister and I wished we did not need to do this but we have noticed that she has started to hallucinate.  Normally we can get her back to reality if we talk her thru it.  Today she thought that the dog at the home was hiding under her bed, at times she is looking all over the floor for something she dropped.  Tonight she told my sister to catch the mouse next to the garbage can and me to put the needle and thread away.  None of those things were there.   At times I’m not sure what she is thinking.  She wanted me to “rewrap” her arm with a bandage.  I had not wrapped her are at all, and actually no one had.  Her arm is fine.   She also thought she saw my daughter Casie sitting in her recliner tonight.  She wondered why she wasn’t talking to her.  So as you can all see, things are not well on the home front.

I think I am over the anger now and moving into acceptance.  This scares me because I feel that the end is close and I don’t want to get settled and relax just to be jolted back to reality again in a few short weeks or months.  I’m sick over saying that – weeks or months.  I need to have much more time than that.  There will unfortunately never be enough time. 

So what’s next?  Well, we are talking hospice.  Hoping that they can help us take care of her till the end.  To help us understand what she is going thru.  To help us deal.

Till next time…

Love you Ma