epitaph for mom

My mother did not deserve to get cancer.

She was a beautiful and loving mother and grandmother.

And while this awful disease consumed her body,

It did not consume soul.

While it took her life,

It could not take from her the love she held for each one of us.

I was going to stand here today and tell you all how wonderful my mom was, but then I realized that even if I spoke all day I could never do her justice.  Actually I am at a loss for words.  So I’m just going to leave you with this.

There is nothing I can do to make her come back
There are no words I can say, that can replace her words that you long to hear
There are no answers I can give that will satisfy your questions,
There is not another soul I can introduce to you, That will ever replace hers
And there is no love I can offer you, That will ever replace the love you shared

I cannot promise your broken heart Will ever be complete,
I will not say that it could have been worse
I will not deny that it was a tragedy
I will not lie and tell you she will be back

She never really left

I do promise you she hears you when you speak
I will say she loves you no matter what the distance
I will not deny she is in a better place
And will not lie, she is waiting to greet you someday

She is every step you take
She is everything you do
She is the air you breathe
She is every beat of your heart

She is like the wind, you cannot see her ... but you will always feel her

You can shed tears that she is gone
or you can smile because she has lived.

Goodbye mom.  I love you.

The matriarch elephant has gone. ♥

My mother loved elephants.  She loved how such a large animal could move so gracefully (elephants walk on tippy toe).  She loved how soft theirs eyes were. She loved that an elephant never forgets.  She loved the fact that the loved each other and cared for each other thru life and thru death.  They mourn the loss of a loved one with tears and loud bellows.  She had several hundred elephant figurines in her home.  every room.  Today we each will take one of these elephants and bring it into our homes as a remembrance of her undying love for each of us.
Vivian Marie Hixson -  our matriarch elephant - passed at 3:52 yesterday afternoon, surrounded by her many loved ones.  We all wept large elephant sized tears and remembered the love she shared with us all.

MISS ME, BUT LET ME GO

When I come to the end of the road

And the sun has set for me

I want no rites in a gloom filled room

Why cry for a soul that's free?

Miss me a little, but not too long

And not with your head bowed low

Remember the love that we once shared

Miss Me, But Let Me Go

For this is a journey that we all must take,

And each must go alone

Its all a part of the Masters plan

A step on the road to home

When you are lonely and sick of heart,

go to the friends we know

And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds

Miss Me, But Let Me Go

Today was my fathers Birthday.

I don’t even know where to start this anymore.  All my days are running into one.  I wonder how different it is for people who don’t know death is coming.  It’s almost a surreal feeling waiting for him to knock at our door.  We hope death comes quickly for our mother, ending her pain. But when he comes we will surly try to push him away. While we sit and pray for the end of her suffering we are in reality praying for the continuing of ours.  To take ours to the next level.  

I see the pain on my loved ones faces and wonder if they see the same on mine.  What do passersby think when they see me in the store or driving by on the street?  Do they also see my hurt, the dark cloud that is over head? 

Tears are starting to come quickly again. They had subsided over the last couple days as I reveled in the words my mother said to me the other night as she held my hand tight. One of the last things I heard her say – ‘I love you’.

I wonder about my children.  How will they handle this?  Charles I fear will need much support in the coming weeks and months.  I hope Alex goes with him and they give each other the support and love they will both be craving.  Casie – She has learned how to hide her feelings all too well.  This is the time for her to let them go.  He grandmother loves her so much; to hold back the tears and feelings from her loss would be a tragedy.  She needs to weep for her now. Openly.  Not later in the dark.  She needs to allow the love she holds for her gramma to be seen by the world.  And Jeremy - he just needs to let go.  For once he does not need to be the big brother.  The caretaker of them all.  Yes they will need him, but he needs them also and they need to see that.  He must let them in.  All for one and one for all my children.  Support each other and don’t let the others fall.

My sister, I hope, will allow me to hold her up as she tries to take her place as the eldest Hixson.  She needs to realize that she does not have to take moms place; she does not have to keep her memory alive for us by herself.  We are here to help each other.  She has us to lean on.  We all love her and I will always be here with her.  She will never be alone.   

As the last days of my dear mother’s life unfold before me, I ask for forgiveness for all things I have done in my past that hurt or upset her.  While I know the things I did or did not do were things of a normal child I pray I never caused her too much trouble.  That’s not how I want her to remember me.   I love you mom with all my heart and soul. And God, with her you get an AAA+++.  You could have never made a better mother for me.  She was and is perfect !!

Love you all

Tuesday, October 4th, 10:54 PM - Oh no! am I pregnant!!!

Today was full of tears and laughter.  Mom woke thins morning in lots of pain and my daughter-in-law Charity had just come in.  When she asked "Grams" how she was doing she said I'm in a hell of a lot of pain!  Charity went and got the nurse  who then gave her some morphine.  That helped a lot.  
I set my alarm for 8:15 but when I opened my eyes it was 10:30.  I don't even remember turning the alarm off.  I must have been very tired.  But up I got took a shower and went to the nursing home. 
My sister was just leaving because her granddaughter what home sick from school and she had to be there to take care of her.  I walked in to find Charity sitting there in the chair crying.  I felt so bad.  In the short time she has know Gram they have become very close.  It was hard to see, but Charity brushed it off saying she was just tired. (she had worked all night and was now here at the home.).  I couldn't stay long because I had to pick Alex (soon to be daughter-in-law #2) because we had appointments to get our hair done.  Didn't want to leave but brother Jerry was going to be there soon.
When we were done we both headed back to mom.  So glad we did.  Got to visit with all three of my brothers and mom was awake off and on.  The hospice nurse came while I was out and cleaned mom up and checked her out.  Pulse and breathing are OK, but her apnea is getting bad. (the morphine will do that).  He asked if we thought she should have a catheter and we have decided it was best.  The skin on her bottom is very raw and the urine leakage is making it hurt so much.    This way she will be in less pain.
So Dan got to talk to her for a bit, Aunt Janus got a few words and I believe She spoke with Dianna some.  The best part was when Alex and I were alone with her.  We were just talking nonsense stuff and mom reached out and took our hands.  She look us straight in the eye and told us  - "I love you girls".  Alex broke and started crying, and then of course so did I.  When mom looked confused at why were were crying I told her that we didn't like to see her sick.  She then told us that she didn't either.  Made us all giggle a bit and broke the tension.  She always did had a way with words.
I guess nothing much more happened until we were leaving.  I leaned down to kiss her goodnight and that I loved her but she had other ideas.   She looked at me and asked where she was.  I told her in the hospital.  She looked worried and I asked if she was OK.  She then looked at me and said - "Oh NO! Am I pregnant again?!"  Now that was not a question I was ready for.  Way to throw me a curve ball mom!!  I looked at Alex who had a look of disbelief on her face and she just shrugged.  It took me a bit to convince her that she was indeed not pregnant and just very sick. 
Tonight I am going to leave you on this silly but happy note.

Love you all !

6:41AM - October 3, 2011

Six AM. Yes, that is when I woke up this morning.  I just couldn't sleep. Only 4 hrs of sleep this time.  Less and less every night.  Waiting for the inevitable makes it hard to rest.  I'm basically living on coffee and cigarettes now. All that keeps going thru my mind is some song a nurse was singing in the hallway yesterday. Its from a show that one of the residents was watching.  It was Dean Martin singing. "Hey mambo, mambo italiano" Love Dino, but not in my head while I need sleep.

So the nurses called Harbinger Hospice for us on Saturday night and they were to call my sister on Sunday.  Needless to say there was no call.  So last night my sister called New Life Hospice and we have an appointment at 10 this morning at the nursing home.  

It is now getting to the point that everyone is starting to argue about things.  Last week my mother signed the car over to my sister and gave medical POA to Dianna, and I believe Jerry.  I think it was Dianna and I that got financial POA.  I really don't recall at this point.  Anyway, the brother that did not show up to the meeting is upset somewhat about this situation.  That and my mother made a list of some of her belongings and who she wanted them to go to.  Some she forgot so my sister and I took pictures of everything we could think of and added to the list.  A few things we had heard our mother mention before so we put names down for them so everyone cold have something that meant something to them.  This system is not going to work.  They boys seem angry with it.  Don't know what we are going to do at this point.  All I know is I need my siblings right now and we don't need to fight over monetary things.  

Yesterday Dave went to see mom and got really angry with the nursing staff there.  They were not fast enough in assisting my mother when she needed to go to the bathroom and when she messed herself, she cried.  This hurt my brother very much and he was very angry.  I understand his problem with this.  I am also, but he must understand what is involved with moving my mother now.  Two people and a lift to get her out of bed and into the bathroom.  I don't think even that will be possible soon.

Dan also came up to see mom last night.  He could not believe the change in just a week.  He did not understand how it happened so fast.  None of us do.  He agreed that hospice needs to be there ASAP.

I'm not sure how late Dianna stayed with mom last night.  She said something when I left about catching a nap in moms recliner. This was at 8:30 last night.  I hope she went home to bed at some point during the night.

Mom was singing some song yesterday.  It had a small dance with it.  It was so soft and so fast that we really didn't understand what it was but it sounded somewhat like an old Sea Chantey.  Strange - but it did.  Bad dreams keep waking her up while she is sleeping.  She said that she keeps dreaming that she is falling.  I hate dreams like that.  She wakes with a start and yells for help.  You can see the confusion in her eyes.  It breaks my heart.  

No matter her state of mind at the moment, when I lean for a hug and kiss goodbye each night, she always responds with "I love you honey." So I know she is still there.  May only prayer right now is that she doesn't pass alone while we are all gone.  I only hope we can be with her so she wont be frightened.  

I feel death approaching.  I dread every phone call, I look out my window at every car that passes.  Waiting, praying that it isn't the "one".   I'm wondering if when the time comes, should I call my children or go to them. At this point do I still take care of them or do they take care of me.  They are all of age and on their own now, but taking care of them is what i do.  I don't think I will make it thru all this if i don't have them to take care of.  

I'm tired and confused right now.  The coffee isn't doing much for me this morning.    I have about another hour until my alarm goes off signaling another day or worry and wait.  Maybe I will try to lie down for a bit more.  I know that sleep wont come.  But maybe a bit of rest.  


Love, Me.

Hospice = sadness

We are calling in hospice.  They will be there tomorrow.

That is all. 

So yeah – still mom.

So I have been sitting up here with mom since about 2 this afternoon.  It is now almost 6 pm.  I don’t believe I will be going home any time soon.  While she is week she is still her feisty ol self.

She has stuck her tongue out at me, told me to back off or I would have trouble, and told me she would smack my butt if I didn’t behave.  So yeah – still mom. 

Kathy came up to see mom today.  Kathy is my brothers ex-wife.  She is so nice.  Mom likes to have her visit.  And Kathy works for the hospice care place that we are going to be using. She was actually very helpful today even if she wasn’t working with us yet.  She sorta evaluated mom without her knowing it and found out about what meds she was on.  Guess there will be more next week.

Mom doesn’t seem to want to at much at all anymore.  And when she does the food is too nasty. They have started her on some protein shakes.  She liked it tonight.  So we shall see if she will drink it for us tomorrow also.

She was telling us a story earlier about some bird that flew up her dress.  Not sure when this happened as she hasn’t worn a dress in years.  But when I asked her why it flew up there she said there was a nest up there.  LOL.  Not sure what she was talking about but it gave us all a laugh.  Then she told me to be quiet so no one would hear us talking about it.   

The nurses have said they are going to give her a shower tonight.  Its been over a week and I have complained 3 or 4 times.  When I told them we were having hospice come in and help out they suddenly started hopping.  Shower and protein drink all in one day!  Bout time these girls started moving!!  I shouldn’t complain.  No one has mistreated mom and she really likes some of the ladies that work with her every day.  Especially Brandy, and on the other side there is Debby and Kerry.   

Well mom is falling asleep in her chair.  I think we need to see if we can get her into bed.   Maybe Ill post more later.  I’ll be here a while.