Hospice = sadness

We are calling in hospice.  They will be there tomorrow.

That is all. 

So yeah – still mom.

So I have been sitting up here with mom since about 2 this afternoon.  It is now almost 6 pm.  I don’t believe I will be going home any time soon.  While she is week she is still her feisty ol self.

She has stuck her tongue out at me, told me to back off or I would have trouble, and told me she would smack my butt if I didn’t behave.  So yeah – still mom. 

Kathy came up to see mom today.  Kathy is my brothers ex-wife.  She is so nice.  Mom likes to have her visit.  And Kathy works for the hospice care place that we are going to be using. She was actually very helpful today even if she wasn’t working with us yet.  She sorta evaluated mom without her knowing it and found out about what meds she was on.  Guess there will be more next week.

Mom doesn’t seem to want to at much at all anymore.  And when she does the food is too nasty. They have started her on some protein shakes.  She liked it tonight.  So we shall see if she will drink it for us tomorrow also.

She was telling us a story earlier about some bird that flew up her dress.  Not sure when this happened as she hasn’t worn a dress in years.  But when I asked her why it flew up there she said there was a nest up there.  LOL.  Not sure what she was talking about but it gave us all a laugh.  Then she told me to be quiet so no one would hear us talking about it.   

The nurses have said they are going to give her a shower tonight.  Its been over a week and I have complained 3 or 4 times.  When I told them we were having hospice come in and help out they suddenly started hopping.  Shower and protein drink all in one day!  Bout time these girls started moving!!  I shouldn’t complain.  No one has mistreated mom and she really likes some of the ladies that work with her every day.  Especially Brandy, and on the other side there is Debby and Kerry.   

Well mom is falling asleep in her chair.  I think we need to see if we can get her into bed.   Maybe Ill post more later.  I’ll be here a while. 

September 29, 2011

I’ve been staying up at the nursing home with mom more and more.  She is so week and fragile anymore.   Right now we are worried that she won’t be able to make it to her next Dr. appointment.  They want to give her a cat scan to see if the cancer drugs are working to shrink the tumor.  The problem is – she is so week I don’t believe she could get up on the table for the test.  We are not even sure if she could get into the car to get out to the office. 

At the meeting today at the nursing home we had her sign the power of attorney forms and sign her car over to my sister.  We now have medical, financial, and any other powers that we need to make decisions for her if needed.  My sister and I wished we did not need to do this but we have noticed that she has started to hallucinate.  Normally we can get her back to reality if we talk her thru it.  Today she thought that the dog at the home was hiding under her bed, at times she is looking all over the floor for something she dropped.  Tonight she told my sister to catch the mouse next to the garbage can and me to put the needle and thread away.  None of those things were there.   At times I’m not sure what she is thinking.  She wanted me to “rewrap” her arm with a bandage.  I had not wrapped her are at all, and actually no one had.  Her arm is fine.   She also thought she saw my daughter Casie sitting in her recliner tonight.  She wondered why she wasn’t talking to her.  So as you can all see, things are not well on the home front.

I think I am over the anger now and moving into acceptance.  This scares me because I feel that the end is close and I don’t want to get settled and relax just to be jolted back to reality again in a few short weeks or months.  I’m sick over saying that – weeks or months.  I need to have much more time than that.  There will unfortunately never be enough time. 

So what’s next?  Well, we are talking hospice.  Hoping that they can help us take care of her till the end.  To help us understand what she is going thru.  To help us deal.

Till next time…

Love you Ma

Anger!!!

I am going thru what my sister is calling the Grief Cycle.  Whatever!  it sucks.

I guess mom is also.  When she found out she had to go back to the nursing home, she was so angry.  I understood that.  She wants to be home. Now she is sad.  I understand that also. We put her into bed at night and she just looks so sad and she tells us how she just wants in her own bed, in her own home, with us.  I know she is so lonely there.  I'm lonely with her there and I didn't even live with her.  I just imagine what my sister is going thru.

I just want to crawl into bed next to my mother and hold her and tell her it will be OK.  That she will get better and come home.  But I know that isn't going to happen and it makes me very angry.  I was sad and crying on my way to get her from the hospital the other day.  For some reason I felt like she would be gone when I got there.  A dark feeling of dread just swept over me.  She was there and still the same.  No better, no worse. 

Now, today,  I am angry.  So angry I want to scream!  Punch walls!  Hurt someone!  Make someone hurt like I hurt.

Strange, but as I sit here talking about my anger, I cry.  I cry for me.  I am so lonely without her and she isn't even gone. I should be crying for her.  She is the one dying.  She is the one with the disease.  Its not fair of me to be like this is it?

I pray none of you ever have to go thru this within your families.  But no matter how hard I pray I know its for nothing because we all die.  And some day your loved ones will, just as mine have, are and will do in the future. Maybe I should just pray that you don't hurt as much.  But less hurt over the loss of a loved one would mean less love. That's something I cant ask for less of.

Well... lets wipe the tears away and think about tomorrow.  I will go see her again...put on the happy face...try to make her smile and just soak up all of my mom as I can.  

Sorry for the rambling....  I'm just lost...
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