Today was my fathers Birthday.

I don’t even know where to start this anymore.  All my days are running into one.  I wonder how different it is for people who don’t know death is coming.  It’s almost a surreal feeling waiting for him to knock at our door.  We hope death comes quickly for our mother, ending her pain. But when he comes we will surly try to push him away. While we sit and pray for the end of her suffering we are in reality praying for the continuing of ours.  To take ours to the next level.  

I see the pain on my loved ones faces and wonder if they see the same on mine.  What do passersby think when they see me in the store or driving by on the street?  Do they also see my hurt, the dark cloud that is over head? 

Tears are starting to come quickly again. They had subsided over the last couple days as I reveled in the words my mother said to me the other night as she held my hand tight. One of the last things I heard her say – ‘I love you’.

I wonder about my children.  How will they handle this?  Charles I fear will need much support in the coming weeks and months.  I hope Alex goes with him and they give each other the support and love they will both be craving.  Casie – She has learned how to hide her feelings all too well.  This is the time for her to let them go.  He grandmother loves her so much; to hold back the tears and feelings from her loss would be a tragedy.  She needs to weep for her now. Openly.  Not later in the dark.  She needs to allow the love she holds for her gramma to be seen by the world.  And Jeremy - he just needs to let go.  For once he does not need to be the big brother.  The caretaker of them all.  Yes they will need him, but he needs them also and they need to see that.  He must let them in.  All for one and one for all my children.  Support each other and don’t let the others fall.

My sister, I hope, will allow me to hold her up as she tries to take her place as the eldest Hixson.  She needs to realize that she does not have to take moms place; she does not have to keep her memory alive for us by herself.  We are here to help each other.  She has us to lean on.  We all love her and I will always be here with her.  She will never be alone.   

As the last days of my dear mother’s life unfold before me, I ask for forgiveness for all things I have done in my past that hurt or upset her.  While I know the things I did or did not do were things of a normal child I pray I never caused her too much trouble.  That’s not how I want her to remember me.   I love you mom with all my heart and soul. And God, with her you get an AAA+++.  You could have never made a better mother for me.  She was and is perfect !!

Love you all