Six AM. Yes, that is when I woke up this morning. I just couldn't sleep. Only 4 hrs of sleep this time. Less and less every night. Waiting for the inevitable makes it hard to rest. I'm basically living on coffee and cigarettes now. All that keeps going thru my mind is some song a nurse was singing in the hallway yesterday. Its from a show that one of the residents was watching. It was Dean Martin singing. "Hey mambo, mambo italiano" Love Dino, but not in my head while I need sleep.
So the nurses called Harbinger Hospice for us on Saturday night and they were to call my sister on Sunday. Needless to say there was no call. So last night my sister called New Life Hospice and we have an appointment at 10 this morning at the nursing home.
It is now getting to the point that everyone is starting to argue about things. Last week my mother signed the car over to my sister and gave medical POA to Dianna, and I believe Jerry. I think it was Dianna and I that got financial POA. I really don't recall at this point. Anyway, the brother that did not show up to the meeting is upset somewhat about this situation. That and my mother made a list of some of her belongings and who she wanted them to go to. Some she forgot so my sister and I took pictures of everything we could think of and added to the list. A few things we had heard our mother mention before so we put names down for them so everyone cold have something that meant something to them. This system is not going to work. They boys seem angry with it. Don't know what we are going to do at this point. All I know is I need my siblings right now and we don't need to fight over monetary things.
Yesterday Dave went to see mom and got really angry with the nursing staff there. They were not fast enough in assisting my mother when she needed to go to the bathroom and when she messed herself, she cried. This hurt my brother very much and he was very angry. I understand his problem with this. I am also, but he must understand what is involved with moving my mother now. Two people and a lift to get her out of bed and into the bathroom. I don't think even that will be possible soon.
Dan also came up to see mom last night. He could not believe the change in just a week. He did not understand how it happened so fast. None of us do. He agreed that hospice needs to be there ASAP.
I'm not sure how late Dianna stayed with mom last night. She said something when I left about catching a nap in moms recliner. This was at 8:30 last night. I hope she went home to bed at some point during the night.
Mom was singing some song yesterday. It had a small dance with it. It was so soft and so fast that we really didn't understand what it was but it sounded somewhat like an old Sea Chantey. Strange - but it did. Bad dreams keep waking her up while she is sleeping. She said that she keeps dreaming that she is falling. I hate dreams like that. She wakes with a start and yells for help. You can see the confusion in her eyes. It breaks my heart.
No matter her state of mind at the moment, when I lean for a hug and kiss goodbye each night, she always responds with "I love you honey." So I know she is still there. May only prayer right now is that she doesn't pass alone while we are all gone. I only hope we can be with her so she wont be frightened.
I feel death approaching. I dread every phone call, I look out my window at every car that passes. Waiting, praying that it isn't the "one". I'm wondering if when the time comes, should I call my children or go to them. At this point do I still take care of them or do they take care of me. They are all of age and on their own now, but taking care of them is what i do. I don't think I will make it thru all this if i don't have them to take care of.
I'm tired and confused right now. The coffee isn't doing much for me this morning. I have about another hour until my alarm goes off signaling another day or worry and wait. Maybe I will try to lie down for a bit more. I know that sleep wont come. But maybe a bit of rest.
Love, Me.
Pics I took with Gramma
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